Tia...

Tia, when I see you laughing, I wish I could somehow take pictures of how I feel.You make me so happy it hurts. Take pictures of how scared I was when you took your first tentative step. And the burst of pride when you took your second...

I watch you woo absolute strangers with the mischief in your eyes. I watch them falling in love with you the minute you smile. Tia, it scares me more than it scares you to let you in any set of arms other than mine. And of the secret thrill of you jumping back in my arms knowing i'll catch you, knowing i'll never let you fall.

I wish I could take pictures of the way you light up the room with your smile when I walk in and then hold on so tight like you'll never let go. No one's ever been able to make me feel quite that special.

I watch you through all these, trying to shrug the nagging thoughts of how fast you are growing up. If I could, I would hide you again in my womb,away from the ever-beckoningworld. Away from all the things that will sooner or later take you away from me - I remember your third step was not in my direction. Somehow that seemingly innocuous gesture panicked me. So now I hold your hands when you walk- for you or for myself, I dont know.

I do know, as you grow, there'll come many new things- friends, boys, studies, in your horizon which today houses only us two. So I'm clinging on to today, filling up my kaleidoscope with snatched fingers, filling it with a thousand tiny moments of joy to hold on to in a treasure chest of memories when you're all grown up.

Tia, you've given me the best gift in the world- motherhood...

Sundown Reflections...

I saw a star shining bright

I knew I'll burn if I go near alright

I go death near all the same

Like a foolish moth succumbs to the flame

I spread my hands to touch the star

But lo! my star goes further afar

I start to follow but what do I see?

There's a gaping dark gulf waiting for me

Have I fallen too deep or could still turn around

I decided to turn but couldn't go round

I wonder what it was as i fall on my knee--

A mirage, a dream or a drop of eternity...

My Thirst For Nearness...

I woke up to the dawn,saw its beauty and rushed out coz I did not want to miss
I was washed over pink in the azure of the sky.I stood there and knew a moment of bliss.

The bliss rose so much, I cudnt take it alone.I stood there wanting u to share my view.
But I felt a punch as I remembered you were far.In a moment of agony my happiness flew.

The dawn turned to morning and morning to noon
I rushed through the day and the day went by soon

Then evening fell as I came back to the house, the place without you-an empty vaccum
I saw the birds and envied them their wings.I wanted to rush to your arms- my home

Still struggling , I saw the night had started falling
I took a deep sigh and went amongst the stars strolling

Without a smile, I stood looking at the moon Then at a thought my spirits started soaring
I felt you look at the same moon a world apart and felt somehow that we were connecting

I felt our glances meeting through the moon, we both being washed in the same silver of the night.
It felt we were together,distance ceased to matter,I started to smile and my heart became light.

It was ecstacy to find this togetherness with you across the miles
I pondered this thought for a while, and went to sleep in a world full of smiles...

The Thornbird's Crying, Not Singing...

Now my eyes are like rivers flowing in the mountain.
like clouds raining in the sky and pouring like a fountain.

The river flows,the dark cloud rains,it cries and shouts constantly.
But no one hears it anymore,the sound lost somewhere in its constancy.

I see a dumb trying to speak without making a sound.
Speech falling on deaf ears and no words can be found.

I try to move frantically to reach to u somehow.
I fall back hard, I cannot move,I see I'm tied down now.

No one now picks my tears like pearls,no one to pull me out of doom.
In agony I remember a pair of eyes which had queitly spoken volumes.

I have seen those eyes fill with rage just to see my eyepools brimming.
Those frantic hands would pull the stars just to stop my tears from falling.

In return of that all I gave was a tentative smileful glimmer.
"My sun has come",those eyes would say,"from behind the clouds to shimmer."

Oh why did I ever let it all go without even trying for groping?
The tears now ebb and fall in the pool without even anyone noticing.

I took the heart that loved me so and smothered it with my hand.
Now my life is nothing but one bleak road and my walking face is bland.

What of now?Where to go?Shall I keep walking sraight down yonder?
Or shall I take that tempting path I see turning round the corner?

The road ahead is draughty autumn,the path turning peaks out spring.
But I've already walked in atumn winds so why am I still asking?

I shed my leaves,I shed my blooms,I withered and wilted and weathered.
A tiny dot in the distance now not knowing one pain from another.

With thirsty heart and burning eyes I walk down the beaten old lane.
Some tiny life still left inside asking if i'll ever see spring again....

Did I leave you behind or was I left behind?

You know honey, I cant stop thinking about all that has ever been said between us-and not said.In your non-verbal specific ways you let out that I went wrong sumwhere.And out of sheer habit I thought maybe I did.Then I thought again, did I realy...So ok I stopped calling you like I used to middle of the day, but what about the 5 zillion times before that when I called nd u were too buisy for just then?Ok so I stopped msging u the way I used to, stopped writing for you,stopped telling you things now.But what about the times when I had wait for days together before I could tell you the stray cat housing our place gave kittens?I know I stopped telling you that I love you but what about the endless moments when I kept waiting for you to tell me that you do nd you merely smiled...?You know I can even go down deep enough where I start expecting nothing from you.But what will I do if you give me less than nothing?Is there even an end or is it 'nother dark-beguiling pitless abyss?And why am I pouring my heart here when I know this is one corner of my world u'll never visit...?Just rare few questions I dont have answers to...

What Brought Me Here

Lately I have been invading quite a few blog spaces of people I hold dear.Its like peeping into the thoughts of those I've known for ever and made opinions about which I deemed correct.But just because you think a person has all he needs to be happy, does he have to think so too?I mean is it really fair to them?Is it fair for us to make frames for people then expect them to grow up just enough to fit in?Suddenly needed to pour this somewhere so found my way to this....just like they did.